Tuesday, 15 December 2015

Down in the Gutter... (A Year in Review)

Hey guys,

I'm really feeling down lately and I feel like I need a place to rant.

I feel like my whole world is starting to split apart. Those of you who have been reading my posts for at least a year, know that I left my nursing degree for another. If not and you want to know, it's here. Well, it's that time of year that everyone's posting graduation photos of themselves and friends. And this year would have been the year I graduated, alongside them, if I had continued with my original degree and I kept up good grades. I'm not sure how I feel about it. On one hand, I'm glad I didn't continue with nursing and I'm happy my friends made it to the end. But on the other hand, I'm almost devastated. I'm kicking myself for not continuing my degree and for not pushing myself. However, looking back to my other hand, I honestly wouldn't know if I had made a "good" nurse with all my flaws. As I sit here typing this, I've passed first year Science but I can't sit here without thinking of what could have been if I had maybe gone a different path and became an enrolled nurse (EEN) instead of giving up nursing completely.

On the other side, I know if I had continued nursing, my health would have deteriorated greatly. I'm not sure if I've said this here or not but the stress of uni, nursing placements and work together stressed me out badly. Starting from when my nursing degree started to put a lot of pressure on us and preparing us for our first placement to when I finally quit nursing (I was only working 2 days a week back then) I did not have a period. That was going on nearly 10 months. In a way I'm glad - adding in periods would have made life hell.
Then in the middle of the year I was diagnosed with early stage Polycystic Ovaries (PCOS). You can read more of that here. Looking back, the signs were all there but I guess I was in denial to admit I had a problem. When I finally got to the doctor after my 2nd period (3 months apart) that was lasting 3 weeks, my GP told me it wasn't normal but "quite a lot of women have it being too much of a bother" so, I kind of went into a few weeks of "shock" before brushing it off. After all, it wasn't effecting me daily, it was only really bothering me for around 3 weeks every few months.

However, living knowing that I have PCOS and reading up about it since my GP was so helpful (sarcastic by the way, she practically blew it off like it was a stray leaf on the lawn), I found out that my hormones and emotions are one hell of a roller coaster. If you know me in real life, I'm usually quite agreeable but if you live with me and are as annoying as my parents (Yes, I still live with them. Heck, most of my senior class still live with their parents!) then you will really get on my nerves. Most of the time I'll just deal with whatever interruption they have but... I've noticed every time it comes up to when I should have had a period I have a shorter fuse. Like I'm not even kidding, I'm saying this myself, you can interrupt me twice within a span of four hours and I'd be steaming pissed off at you. Then because of this, I get into arguments with my parents. Well, more specifically my mum. Surprisingly, my dad's more understanding about everything than my mum is. Then again. It's no surprise. I don't want this to turn into a rant about my mum but she just doesn't know how to "step in someone else's shoes". Let's leave it as that.

This then leads to my new course. Honestly, I don't know what I'm doing studying this degree! I just changed majors for next semester but I don't know if I'll ever use it. I honestly want to get into zoology or animal management or something but I don't know if I'll ever get there at this rate. My parents still don't know that I left nursing so at the moment they think I'm a qualified nurse. And they want me to get a job as a nurse. Right now. I don't think I'm ever going to tell them. They're going to kick my butt when they find out and I honestly think that they're going to disown me. Or maybe worse.

The past few days have been rough on me. This is my 2nd, going on 3rd week since coming back from Sydney and also since my period started. Great timing, right? But this period has been really painful and bloody. Great visuals, hey? It seems like I've either been curled up in a ball or in the bathroom. Or eating my sister's home-made Tiramisu. But to make matters worse, my sister got into a fight with each of my parents for different things on the same day! So both my parents are peeved off and my sister's in a foul mood.

To add to the brew of high tension and crazy emotions, my mum keeps stealing my computer (to use). I checked out what she was doing because she has her own laptop with internet but she comes all the way to the other side of the house to use mine? I don't know, she's bizarre. Anyway, I checked the internet history and she's thinking of selling the house! I'll be absolutely devastated if she sells this house. I've been living here for my entire life! Yes, we did move a couple of times while it was being renovated in places but it's still been our house. It's got memories. I've never had to deal with an entire house move and I like the neighbourhood despite our bothersome new neighbours across the road. I really hope we don't have to leave this house for good.

Sometimes I feel like there's no one to talk to. I can't speak openly to my parents, my sister honestly doesn't give a shiz about what I say, I left my nursing friends, I hardly see my high school friends and even then it seems like we've really changed from when we used to hang out everyday, I've only made a couple of friends in my new degree and they're either 3 hours train ride away or busy with their own families.

-Sighh- Wow, that rant's definitely made me feel better!

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